This English version was translated from the Chinese original with AI assistance. The Chinese text is authoritative.
No. 10
Yesterday at noon a male colleague went out and didn’t take his mobile phone with him, and his wife kept calling. A female colleague who was taking a nap got fed up with the noise, grabbed the phone and shouted: “We’re sleeping, will you stop bothering us!” As a result, that male colleague still hasn’t come in to work today!
No. 9
In the afternoon I was hungry and saw a bottle of yogurt on a colleague’s desk, so I drank it without a second thought. A while later the colleague came back and shouted: “Where has my facial cleanser gone? It cost 108 yuan!” I said nothing, just quietly walked to the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat. It was awful; I threw up with all my might until I was bringing up sour stomach juice. When I had finally thrown up just about everything and returned to my seat with tears streaming down, my colleague was holding a bottle and said: “Phew, that gave me a fright, the cleanser had rolled under the desk. But now where has my yogurt gone?” I cursed inwardly: Damn you, I drink a bit of your yogurt and you nearly kill me for it.
No. 8
An old man went to the People’s Bank to withdraw money and walked straight up to the counter. A security guard came over and said: “Grandpa, àn hào (press for a queue number).” The old man: “What?” The guard: “Àn hào.” The old man thought, as expected of a big bank, you even need a secret password (also àn hào) to withdraw money! So he whispered to the guard: “The Heavenly King covers the Earth Tiger.” The guard helplessly pressed out a queue ticket for the old man, and the old man thought: Phew, what a fright, and I actually guessed it right!
No. 7
A pretty female colleague’s husband brought her lunch, put it down without saying a word and left. A newly arrived male colleague asked: Who was that just now? She replied: The takeaway delivery guy. The newcomer asked again: Why didn’t you pay him? She said: No need to pay, I just sleep with him tonight. The male colleague fell silent. The next day he brought her a lunch of four dishes and a soup, and the whole office burst out laughing…
No. 6
A child asked his mother: Why did you marry Dad back then?
Mum said: “Back then I must have been blind to marry your dad!”
The child then asked his father: Why is our family so poor?
Dad said: “All our family’s money went on treating your mother’s eyes!”
No. 5
The restaurant was packed, and a young couple couldn’t find anywhere to sit, so they shared my table and sat opposite me. To be honest the girl was really pretty, so I glanced at her a couple of times, and the guy noticed. He slapped a Volkswagen car key down on the table to intimidate me. I took a close look: wow, a Phaeton… I slapped a Maserati key down on the table, slap, slap, Bugatti, Rolls-Royce, I threw down several car keys, and the guy led the girl away with his tail between his legs… Honestly, who are you trying to show off to? I’m a key cutter!
No. 4
I went to the bank to send money and parked temporarily by the roadside. Afraid of being fined by the traffic police, I left a friend to watch the car and told him to let me know if anyone came to check cars. A few minutes after I went in, sure enough, a traffic policeman came. My friend burst into the bank in a great rush and bellowed: Boss, the police are here, run! Damn it, the huge hall with dozens of people instantly fell completely silent, then the crowd poured out of the bank like a flood, and next thing I knew I was pinned to the floor by five or six security guards… So unfair! It’s not a godlike opponent you need to fear, it’s a teammate as dumb as a pig! Recommended: search “Teachers’ Home” on WeChat
No. 3: The Fallen Grandpa Series
(1) It snowed heavily today. Just now when I went out I saw an old man had fallen down. I went over and asked: Grandpa, I earn less than 2,000 yuan a month, can I help you up? The old man: Young man, off you go, I’ll wait a bit longer. Me: Right you are! Though the weather was cold, the old man’s words were warm, full of positive energy…
(2) Walking along the road I saw an old man lying on the ground and hurried over to help him up. The old man looked at me and said: Don’t touch me, lad, I can see you’re just a working man too, off you go, I’ll wait a bit longer. Touched, I quickly said: Grandpa, a guy driving a Land Rover has parked and will be over in a moment. The old man got excited too: You’re an honest lad. Don’t go, be my witness, and when it’s all over you can buy a car to drive to work too.
(3) Walking along the road I saw an old man lying on the ground, and I quickly lay down beside him. The old man looked at me and said: Lad, don’t compete with me, my son needs to buy a flat and get married. I said: I need to buy a flat and get married too, but I don’t sponge off my parents. The old man said: You’ve got ambition, lad. This spot is yours, I’ll find another one!
No. 2
Primary-school Chinese is so hard nowadays. Look at one of their homework questions:
Task: Join the following four sentences using connectives:
(1) Sister Li is paralyzed;
(2) Sister Li studies tenaciously;
(3) Sister Li has learned several foreign languages;
(4) Sister Li has learned acupuncture.
(The correct answer should be: Although Sister Li is paralyzed, she studies tenaciously, and has not only learned several foreign languages but also learned acupuncture.)
But one child wrote: Although Sister Li tenaciously learned acupuncture and several foreign languages, she was still paralyzed.
Later, even bolder children were found to have written:
Sister Li not only learned foreign languages but also acupuncture; she studied so tenaciously that she finally became paralyzed.
The reason Sister Li became paralyzed is that she studied tenaciously, and not only learned several foreign languages but even learned acupuncture.
Sister Li studied so tenaciously that she not only learned several foreign languages and acupuncture, but in the end also learned paralysis.
Sister Li has learned several foreign languages, has learned acupuncture, and is now tenaciously learning paralysis.
The best is always saved for last:
Through tenacious study Sister Li learned several foreign languages and acupuncture, and then, following a foreign-language acupuncture book, needled herself into paralysis!
No. 1
I got myself into trouble today.
In the office fish tank we keep a few small transparent shrimps. The boss put on his glasses, looked for ages, and asked me what I was keeping in there.
I said: “Xiā (虾, “shrimp”)!” (which sounds the same as 瞎, “blind”)
The boss froze for a moment and walked off…
I froze too, and hurriedly explained loudly: “Xiā, boss! Boss, xiā! Boss, really xiā!! It’s really xiā!!!”
